It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted because I had to do some serious thinking.
This site is not what I want it to be. It has turned into a reflection of the person that I want to be perceived as rather than a true place for me to remember myself as I truly am. I’ve blogged from different platforms all over the place and after taking this and saying this is me I watched it become something else. I watched it become my politically correct opinions about things I wasn’t necessarily passionate about, I watched it become my lukewarm feelings, I watched it become a place that I could dream about things that I don’t necessarily want.
Let me be clear…I love bits and pieces of this, but as I started to do the shameless project, I found that I was trying to force myself to be clever, force myself to talk about things when I had nothing to talk about, and pushed myself to be a carbon copy of what I thought would be perfect.But I am imperfect.
And I’m just learning to be okay with that.
So, I might write, I might not, this site has a lot of me in it, but I want it to not have just pieces of me, I want this site to actually show me as I am. Jagged, raw, honest, sometimes controversial, but always me. I have to step out of my fears of being rejected, step out of my fears of losing things–because if something isn’t meant to stick around, it won’t.
There are hard lessons that I’m learning. I’m becoming more observant to things around me and I’m learning to allow myself to get lost: because once you find yourself lost, you tend to find yourself. You learn what matters to you, you gain a true understanding of what you care about, how you feel about certain topics and you learn, my god you learn. I’m excited to learn, excited to get lost, and excited to just explore myself.
No matter the consequences, I must put myself first. Not the opinions of others, not the way I may look to my family, friends, church members, potential suitors (lol) or anything like that because I’ve found that putting on a mask that doesn’t fit just causes you to suffocate. The biggest takeaway from all of this: I don’t want to be someone or something else, I’d like to be me.
I’m learning to be
- lost (iamprincesssarah.wordpress.com)